Malam mendekat, tetapi kita belum juga sampai di rumah dengan selamat. Sedikit cahaya yang tersisa pada waktu-waktu inilah yang bisa membimbing kita semua.

25

"To absent friendslost lovesold gods, and the season of mists; and may each and every one of us always give the devil his due."
--Neil Gaiman in Sandman: Season of Mists

Good to know that you survived your first year of freefalling from the comfort of a system. It's a wild ride, but surprisingly you made it out alive.

Along the journey, you realized that writing self-convincing entries or wearing a cocksure smile could never conceal the void in your soul. You learned that splitting your life makes you never feel a whole. You learned that the scars you left in others' hearts will eventually leave you an empty hole. You learned that accomplishments aren't going to shield you from getting hurt. You realized how the dark things you keep to yourself will haunt you forever. You figured that you want the blinding spotlight no more. Yes, cheap thrills don't work anymore and now crazy shits are such a bore.

But you found new ways to get both your fix of adrenaline rush and of contentment: by courageously letting go of absent friends, lost hopes, slipping moments, and any other addictions and Dumbo feathers; by immersing yourself completely in even the most mundane of moments; by gracefully accepting your alienation, and in return giving birth of worthwhile creations.

More adventures await and you eagerly anticipate, but this time you feel like you don't need to test your limits anymore. You're learning to love your rough edges and honor the borders. You're learning to at least be decent, both to yourself and to others around you. You still love watching fireworks, but now you don't mind staring at the stars or even the dark night sky.

You're still that kid who live for today, but now you try your best to break the day's bread and share it with ones your life is connected to. Though you're not even slightly sure whether you're going to make it or not, but you're on your way to transform your mere existence into meaningful presence.

There's still so much more to see and feel and learn and ask and share as you chart your way out of the storm of confusion, build your model of reality, write your personal code of morality, and construct your ever-unfinished worldview, but right this very moment, your face is alight, you're alive, and everything's alright.

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Double personality is so 2000. Mobil jemputan warna hijau telor asin Brebes yang hobinya kebut-kebutan di Kalimalang sambil menggeber Joy Division. Kretek, kopi, dan gorengan bersama Derrida di taman kota. Es krim rasa tape dan gulali rasa nangka. Situationist International. Risoles isi daging rusa asap. Lingkar samsara Sisifus. Tanda seru. Selamatkan seni dan desain dari diri mereka sendiri. Petir. Piknik antar peradaban. Fluxus yang tersumbat, gerak yang terhambat. Kembang api. Interupsi. Negasi. Saya percaya pada kekuatan dialog dan pendidikan menengah, inisiasi remaja menuju masyarakat. Narasi besar telah runtuh. Mari nyanyikan epik kita sendiri. Seorang teman berkata, yang bisa menggambarkan saya adalah sebuah wadah yang ke dalamnya terus menerus dilemparkan apa saja oleh siapa saja. Semoga wadah itu tak ada dasarnya, tak akan penuh ataupun tumpah isinya. Semoga wadah itu tetap ada, terus membendung keriuhan di dalamnya. Semoga keriuhan itu tak mereda, dan semoga semua manusia tak berhenti bertanya.

Aidil Akbar Latief
@idlelatief